Cricket with Mamu Panwala
Feature Image – By Prakasha Parsekar
During my weekly visit to Pan Shop yesterday, I had some interesting cricketing debate with Mamu Panwala. Unlike all Panwalas, ‘Mamu’ can understand and speak English very well . And he could learn it by listening Harsha Bhogales, Gavaskars, Manjrekars and Siddus ( he has not been listening to Kapil Paji Sehwag and company) But Mamu follows strict rule, speaks in English only if the topic is Cricket.
I enjoy talking to Mama on cricket a lot. He knows in and out of cricket ( I mean not only ins-wing or out-swing). In fact , whatever English I know is because of Mamu Panwala.
My conversation yesterday with Mama went somewhat like this….
Mamu– Aju Bhai Pan Mitha ke Sadha ? (Sweet or simple )
Me– Make Sadha only Mama.
Mamu– Tell me one thing Aju Bahi, why have you started to take Sada (Sweetless) pan ?
Me– My lawyer wife who is looking after all my legal matters told me I am now contracted and not to eat any Pan with any ingredients or pan masala in it. You won’t understand Mama.
Mamu– Why? I won’t understand! I agree I don’t understand, why India is winning every match. I don’t understand, how every player is performing better and better. I don’t understand, how Ravi Shastri is doing so well as a coach though he does not seem to be doing anything but tell Virat “Go and play the natural game” . But I definitely understand what is contract. My son is studying law and he has a subject called contract law.
Me– The contract law is different and practical meaning of contract is different.
Mamu– I know every thing Aju Bhai.
Me– I am sure you don’t know anything about contract.
Mamu– You are underestimating me. I watch cricket and every one who watches cricket knows what is contract. Rather he knows more about contract than cricket.
Me- Then tell me what relation contract has with cricket?
Mamu- In cricket contract means no player can do anything without permission of sponsors.
Mamu- For eg. if Hardik Pandya is contracted with kepsi then he can’t drink he can’t drink chhas he can’t drink Lassi or juice.
Me- Why you have chosen Hardik Pandya only for explaining?
Mamu- Aju Bhai, Hardik Pandya is in thing now a days. Test Cricket Hardik, One day Harpik , Twenty Twenty Hardik. Best Bowler Hardik. Best Batting, Hardik. Best Fielder Hardik . Best all rounder Hardik. Best Hair style Hardik. Best Tatoo Hardik. Hardik Hardik Hardik sara India bolta hai Hardik.To main kyu na bolu hardik?
Me- That is enough. Come to subject. Can Hardik, I mean a kepsi contracted player drink Nariyal Pani?
Mamu- No, not at all.
Me– Can he drink Soda Lemon?
Mamu- No way.
Me– Can he drink Beer ?
Mamu- No No No. He can’t drink without kepsi in it, beer , whisky , rum, wine. Leave alone all that, he can’t drink country also without Pepsi.
Me- Then how can some players survive?who need to drink hard to play hard.
Mamu- There are ways Aju Bhai.
Me- Like ?
Mamu- They can’t drink indoor also. If they want to drink indoor, they have to have kepsi banner on the door, window, freeze , microwave, bed shits, pillow cover , curtains.
Me- If they want to drink in public?
Mamu- They can mix the drink in kepsi bottle and drink.
Me– Oooookkkkk! That’s good idea. I mean I can also try this.
Mamu- It’s old idea and many youngsters follow it as they can’t afford high taxed drinks in hotel. But you don’t try it Aju Bhai . Drinking is bad even if you make it in kepsi bottle.
Me– But tell me if a player wants to drink rasam , a hot spicy mix of South India , can he drink?
Mamu- No, not at all. He can not even eat Sambar also. He has to eat Vada Sambar without Sambar only. He has option of eating it with coconut chutney.
Me- Suppose Hardik want’s to drink Falooda?
Mamu- I told you he can’t drink Falooda at all. At most he can use spoon and eat dry-fruits , or ice-cream in it but not the liquid part of it .
Me- Ok. Please tell if a player contracted with kepsi can drink medicines if they are having fever?
Mamu- My answer is no for every drink, be it medicine. He can’t even put saline water of any other brand than kepsi.
Me– Oh ! Fantastic . That is called real contract.
Mamu- Contracted player is not even allowed to swallow his own saliva. If he has to swallow it, he has to seek kepsi’s permission.
Me- Mamu your knowledge is as authentic and as crystal as my lawyer wife’s. Now I understood why she has banned me from eating Pan with Pan Masala. She must have entered into some contract with some pan Masala. May be kepsi Pan masala.
Mamu- Aju Bhai. Don’t worry at all you will not be in trouble if you eat my Pan with Pan Masala.
Me- Are you mad? I will be in trouble I will have to pay huge compensation.
Mamu- I will not take any compensation Aju Bhai.
Me- What do you mean?
Mamu- Aju bhai. See, this is the contract your wife has entered into.
Me- What is written there? Read out. I have forgotten my specks at home.
Mamu- I am just reading head line. ‘Agreement between Aju Bhai and Mamu Pan Masala’
Me- Oh Mamu! You are ultimate. BCCI can hire you as their consultant. Ab Har Juban Pe Nam Pandya ka , Aur Pan Hamare Mamu ka!
Note- Above article is satirical and author has no intention to hurt sentiments of insult anyone named in article.